Coming Out To My Past Self: A Letter To Me
Dear past self:
We need to chat. I’m re-reading Out of the Closet and Into the Meme War, and I just have one question. What were you thinking?
Okay, let’s back up and handle this point by point, like adults. First, a fact is a piece of information presented as having objective reality. Yes, that’s the fifth definition. Still, every definition involves the idea of objective existence. That means separate from perception.
So no, R. T., it’s not a fact that you’re a transman. It’s a fact that you’re female. Self-identity is almost entirely subjective.
Even as I type, I can feel you reacting somewhere in the depths of my subconscious. How can I say such things about my own self? Am I a masochist?
Maybe. Or maybe I’ve learned a thing or two in this last year. The first is you were right on some points. First, yes, women are quite attractive. Men? Eh. Except Jacob. 🙂 Second, Yes, we did marry him, and we’re quite happy we did. But women are still sexy.
In fact, most of what you wrote is pretty accurate. Life before the wedding was straight up madness.
Really, I just wanted to chat about two points you didn’t really understand.
- We got sick during massage school. It wasn’t “just stress”. Something broke, and I still don’t know what, but I’m working on it, for both our sakes.
- You have no idea what it means to be a Daughter of God. Truth be told, I don’t either, but I finally started learning.
The mystery illness that walloped you upside the brain and ground any plans to a halt? Lab work is happening, and I’ve got the process as under control as it’s possible to have such trouble.
The Daughter of God thing? Well, that’s bigger. See, when you wrote your post, you wanted so badly to be visible. You wanted people to see and understand all the parts and pieces of you. Even followed it up with Realizing I’m Not Invisible a few months later.
Yesterday, I learned that no matter how badly you or I want it, parts of us will always be invisible in some situations. You can’t fight a crusade against the world. And the world will make its assumptions. I know, it can be frustrating.
Just remember, those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.
Really, though, the reason I say you didn’t understand then what it means to be a Daughter of God is this. You still clung to your identity as a transman. You clung to your identity as ONLY Raidon T. Phoenix. You tried to forget Tanith Rose.
When I moved to California, I still carried your idea of identity. Except that idea hurt. Every day, it hurt. So I gave it up.
In fact, I gave up the idea of identity entirely. And in doing so, I found the freedom to be ME. Not you. Not Tanith.
I found the freedom to be Raidon Tanith Rose Phoenix Taylor.
I still use masculine pronouns on social media. I strongly dislike the inundation with ads directed at women. I live in California and see enough bikinis to last a lifetime in the summer.
Not to mention the makeup ads are way too trippy.
I’m still getting our name legally changed. After all, we chose it together, and it’s part of us now.
Thanks for everything you taught me, R. T.